A Village Feud Read online

  Jimbo came in looking very pleased with himself, and shook hands with the rep, who looked as though he couldn’t make up his mind if the deal he’d come to with Jimbo was to his or Jimbo’s advantage. When the rep left Jimbo turned and spotted Andy neatly perched on a chair drinking coffee and, judging by his face, not enjoying it very much.

  He ignored him for the moment, then gave a demonstration of how clever he had become at manipulating his crutches in confined spaces and eventually arrived in front of Andy, having satisfied himself that all his displays were as immaculate and fresh as it was possible for them to be.

  Andy got to his feet, put his half-empty cup in the waste basket and said boldly, ‘Just the man I’ve come to see.’ He gave Jimbo the ham and said, ‘I kept the receipt. Look, here it is.’

  The receipt appeared genuine enough, dated yesterday, and when Jimbo smelled the ham he could do no other but accept it was tainted, worse, actually going bad. He gave Andy a very serious glare, hoping to make him lower his eyes first in which case Jimbo would know he had a fraudster on his hands.

  But Andy didn’t. He gave stare for stare. Reluctantly Jimbo refunded the money and offered to provide him with a replacement, as he always did.

  ‘Frankly, I don’t know if I want it. It’s right put me off, has this. Only bought yesterday and intending it for our lunch today and when Jenny unwrapped it … well, you can see for yourself. It’s off.’

  ‘Please yourself. I can only offer.’

  ‘Well, I need something in return, especially when I know how hard you work to keep your reputation.’

  Something in the way he said that last remark got Jimbo’s back up, and he retorted, ‘I need people like you like a hole in the head. You’ll do me a good turn if you never come back in here again.’

  ‘But we’d starve if we couldn’t come in here.’

  ‘I doubt it. You’ve got a car, you can go into Culworth and buy your food there.’

  ‘Well, I’ll let everyone know about this. Banned because I’ve brought back food I bought all in good faith. I wonder if it’s legal to ban someone when all they’ve done is bring back tainted food. I could enquire about that. After all, I haven’t been stealing, have I? Well I never. They’ll all hear about this. Does this include Jenny, too?’

  Jimbo paused before he answered but there was something underhand and slimy about this chap which didn’t please him at all and he decided, yes, it included Jenny.

  Andy puffed up like an angry turkey cock. ‘You’ve cooked your goose and not half, Mr Jimbo Charter-Plackett. I’ll let everyone know about this. Everyone. I’ll take the ham in replacement, please, and never darken your door again.’

  Jimbo felt quite cheerful at the prospect until he’d calmed down and realized how much harm this weaselly, vindictive little man could inflict, but the realization didn’t persuade him to change his mind.

  ‘I mean it, Tom, I don’t want him in here again. Ever. He’s getting no more free ham or cheese out of me. We’re better off without him.’

  ‘Very well. But he’s the kind who’ll tell everyone he meets about what you’ve said.’

  ‘I’m not going to fret about that. They all know me better than that scruff and they won’t believe a word he says.’

  ‘Let’s hope so.’

  But Andy had every intention of patronizing the shop, seeing how convenient it was and what good produce was available in there. He’d worked out when neither Bel nor Tom would be working, because now that Jimbo had decided to open until seven he was employing part-time assistants who only worked from five to seven in the evenings and very likely wouldn’t know about the ban seeing as they didn’t know him.

  It worked well for a while until one night when Jimbo was working late redesigning his window display and spotted Andy in the queue at the till.

  He backed out of the window and emerged within feet of Andy, balanced on his good leg. ‘Thought I told you not to shop in here, that you weren’t welcome.’

  ‘Well, desperate, you know, for milk and that, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘Well, I do. So please pay for your shopping and leave and don’t come back.’

  ‘Jenny’s got a client tonight so I’m fending for myself. Thought one little trip to get myself into your good books would be—’

  ‘Well, it isn’t all right. I can well do without your patronage. Now, pay and go.’

  Andy turned round to speak to the other two people in the queue. ‘See what treatment I’m getting. This is all because I brought some ham back that had gone off. And this is how he treats me. Not much of the feelgood factor about that, is there? Him and his reputation. What’s he doing selling bad food, eh?’

  But he got little satisfaction from his tirade because it was the two Senior sisters waiting and they frequently came at this time to get the best chance of buying bread and milk at reduced prices because Jimbo wouldn’t allow it to be on sale after the sell-by date.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ one of them said. ‘He never sells food that’s gone off. Never. Hurry up and pay and let us have our turn.’

  There wasn’t anyone else to whom he could appeal and Andy saw he was out of luck. Furious because he couldn’t make a display of his supposed discontent and spread the word about Jimbo’s tarnished reputation he said angrily, ‘Here, keep the lot. I don’t want any more of your mouldy old food. You can have it.’ He emptied his wire basket out onto the counter and didn’t bother when the eggs and the bacon landed on the floor and the eggs smashed. He stormed out, livid with temper, only to be greeted by an explosion of temper from Jenny who was waiting for the eggs and bacon to make an omelette for their evening meal.

  ‘And no milk, either. You are a blithering idiot. What are you? A blithering idiot. All because you want to ruin him. I tell you, you’ve set yourself an impossible task.’

  ‘I’m quite angry enough without you turning on me. The sod. It finished up with me leaving all my shopping behind, including a box of those chocolate brazils you adore.’ Andy didn’t even have the grace to have his fingers crossed behind his back.

  ‘Oh! You sweetheart, you darling boy. Well, it’s a jam butty for the two of us.’

  ‘You mean there’s nothing else in?’

  ‘My very words. So you’ll have to take me shopping in Culworth tomorrow. I don’t like driving when the roads are busy.’

  Andy let loose a stream of bad language which infuriated Jenny and in an instant they were fighting like cat and dog. Andy swiped at Jenny and accidentally broke a cut-glass vase that had belonged to her mother and which she genuinely prized. In retaliation she dumped some files of his in the water from the broken vase, which was now spreading across the kitchen table.

  Jenny wept real tears over her broken vase and Andy furiously mopped his files with the crocheted mat from the centre of the table.

  ‘Right that’s it. I’ve worked myself to a shred today. Three massages, two reflexology sessions and an aromatherapy, so just when my business is taking off you can’t even get the food in. Well, we’ll drive into Culworth and go to that fish and chip restaurant. What on earth that will do to my hips I do not know.’

  Knowing when he was beaten, and agreeing she had worked hard today and it really did seem as though the beauty business was on the up, Andy drove her into Culworth to the fish and chip restaurant in Old Street and then on to a fashionable pub they both liked at the top of Kirkgate.

  But he wished he’d never gone there because two tables away in the pub were two men from the Social Services offices having an afterwork drink. They were in earnest conversation until one of them glanced up and noticed Andy toasting them with his shandy. He held it high and smiled and nodded as though they were dear friends, but as soon they saw him, the one blushed and looked embarrassed and the other made a rude gesture to him. Honestly, what were the Social Services coming to, making gestures like that? But they were his bosses so there was little he could do. He had to grin and bear it. Then it dawned o
n him that they actually held his job in the palms of their hands being as they were both his superiors. Oh, hell. Were they discussing him? That flush of embarrassment had looked very genuine. Maybe he’d better turn up to work tomorrow and make a pretence of doing something.

  ‘Can’t take you shopping tomorrow,’ he muttered to Jenny. ‘Got to go into work. Sorry.’

  Jenny, on her second gin and tonic, had mellowed a little and took his statement quite calmly for her. ‘What’s up? Had a scare?’

  Andy tried to appear nonchalant and, without looking at them, told Jenny who the two were sitting two tables away. ‘Be careful what you say and don’t look.’

  But she did, she couldn’t help it. ‘Ask them across. I’ve enough money to buy them a drink.’

  ‘Absolutely not. No. Don’t. It might get too involved.’ But of course she did. She got up, approached their table and asked if she could buy them a drink.

  Andy saw a big black hole opening up. Don’t accept, he kept saying under his breath, but they did and came to join them at their table.

  They opened the conversation while Jenny was at the bar ordering their drinks. ‘Hi, Andy!’ said one. ‘Taking the wife out, eh? Nice piece of skirt. Surprised. And how’s Andy been enjoying himself today, then?’

  This question left a silence, which Andy wasn’t quite sure how to fill. But then Jenny came back and handed out the drinks. ‘So you’re fellow slaves of Andy’s, then?’

  ‘We are indeed fellow slaves, aren’t we, Andy? Working hard every day in the interests of society. In fact, positively devoting our lives to it, just like he does. Eh, Andy?’

  The suits and the manner of their speaking suddenly rang a warning in Jenny’s head. Heavens above. They were his bosses. What a huge mistake she’d made. The sooner they left the better, before Andy incriminated himself.

  But they’d begun a conversation about a big case that was coming up in court and they were asking Andy for his opinion. She knew from his face he hadn’t the slightest idea what they were talking about.

  ‘So, you must have some thoughts on it,’ said one. ‘I know you’re not directly involved but it’s all they talk about in the office. You must have heard them on about it, Andy?’

  Andy framed a sentence which could have fitted almost any case in the courts. ‘She should never have declared herself, that was her biggest mistake.’

  ‘Who? The mother or Tessa?’

  Andy hesitated. ‘The mother.’

  They both roared with mocking laughter. ‘Typical Andy, always blame the parent never the member of staff. Not all the staff work as hard as you, Andy. How many cases is it you have under your wing now, Andy?’

  ‘Too many to count.’ He sniggered, thinking the moment he’d dreaded had passed, and his smart answer would save him from humiliation.

  ‘No, seriously. You’re always out on the streets, seeing your cases, Andy. Hardly ever skulking in the office like Tessa, for instance. You put too many hours in, Andy.’ He spoke sympathetically and tapped Andy’s arm as he spoke. Andy loathed his familiarity.

  Jenny, desperate to back him up, put in, ‘I’m always telling him he works too hard.’

  Both men appeared to take her seriously. ‘True. True. I worked out the other day that since he’s been with us – eighteen months, isn’t it, Andy?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘He’s never taken a holiday in all that time. Now, that is devotion, isn’t it, Andy?’

  ‘Surely the wife,’ the one who’d made the rude gesture nodded at Jenny, ‘would enjoy a trip abroad or something, wouldn’t you, Jenny?’

  ‘Well, you know Andy and his work. Up to his eyebrows most of the time. I can’t drag him away.’

  ‘Workers like him are scarce on the ground aren’t they Andy? Yes. Very scarce … Andy.’

  The frequent emphasis on his first name had become insulting. But Andy smirked to indicate he appreciated they were joking, which he blasted knew they weren’t. They meant business all right.

  Jenny smiled nervously and wished she’d never let the gin take charge of her and make her invite them to have a drink.

  As abruptly as they’d come the two of them left, one saying, ‘Yes, I agree, very scarce,’ and the other saying, ‘Perhaps just as well they’re scarce. We wouldn’t want many more like Andy showing the rest of us up. The game would be up then, wouldn’t it, Andy?’ There was something threatening in both the comments. Jenny groaned and put her head in her hands, and Andy sweated as they left.

  He’d been found out. As sure as hell he had. Perhaps not about the qualifications he’d invented but definitely about his poor work record. ‘Did I or did I not ask you not to invite them over? I said don’t look and I said it might get too involved. But oh, no! Jenny had to do as she wanted without a thought for me.’

  ‘But they were nice chaps and it does you good to show you can hold your own with your bosses, that you’re not just a yes man. I thought it went quite well. I tried my best to support you.’

  Sarcastically Andy replied, ‘Your best? Emphasizing the one thing I don’t do, which is work hard. I can’t take a holiday because then I’d definitely be found out, once they’d poked about in my files while I was away.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘You didn’t think.’ Andy buried his head in his hands and groaned and groaned. Jenny rearranged her shapely legs and sighed. A long deep silence followed. For ten full minutes not a word was spoken.

  Finally Andy finished his shandy and stood up. ‘Let’s go home, right now. Can you do that, do you think?’ He marched out of the bar without a backward glance. Jenny followed but in her own time. Once she started doing exactly what he said there’d be no end to his demands.

  Andy was already sitting in the driver’s seat with the engine running when she got out there. Silently she slipped into the front passenger seat. He let in the clutch and they lurched off. She opened her mouth to remind him about his seat-belt and closed it swiftly. Serve him right if they had a bump.

  But they didn’t and, as soon as they got home, he started on her. Threatening to hit her, shouting, calling her unrepeatable names, moving through the house at a furious pace, as though it wasn’t big enough to contain his anger. She’d never seen him so angry. He’d been annoyed many times, but not so deeply bitter, frustrated, furious, disappointed, let down. He was all those by turns. Finally he did hit her. Hard.

  Fearful that things might get worse Jenny locked herself in the lavatory. She could hear him going round the house, taking his venom out on the furniture, anything to alleviate his temper. There was one thing, he couldn’t get into her consulting room because she always locked it as a deterrent to burglars and the key was safely on a cord round her neck, so the equipment was safe. After an hour of storming and raging everything went silent so Jenny crept out and spent the night on their lumpy sofa.

  He slept late the next morning and, as Jenny had an appointment first thing waxing someone’s legs, she crept about getting breakfast and doing everything as quietly as possible so as not to disturb him. Fortunately for her he slumbered on and on and on.

  Jenny ate her lunch alone watching Neighbours and munching on her yoghurt and fresh fruit as meticulously as she could. No good swallowing it down in chunks, she’d read somewhere, did no good at all vitamin-wise.

  Best be out when he wakes, she thought, then. Picking up her purse and keys, she set off for a walk. Thirty minutes fast walking was excellent for the muscles and the heart. Why was she such a slave to health? It seemed everyone was nowadays, so why not.

  Jenny timed herself by her watch; fifteen minutes out, fifteen minutes back. Should she? Well, should she? Call in at the Store and speak to Jimbo? It was so convenient to pop across to the Store for things. He had such a good stock of everything that a trip to the supermarket on the bypass felt like a waste of time. Besides, his food was so much nicer, so original and his convenience foods … well, she bunched her fingers, kissed them and said ‘Ooh là
là!’

  The bell pinged its warning and she was inside. ‘Jimbo about?’

  ‘Yes, but we have strict instructions—’

  ‘I know. This is for a talk.’

  Jimbo hobbled through, making good use of his crutches, and crooked a beckoning finger. Jenny followed him into his office. Wow! He was cute, was Jimbo, even if a bit stocky.

  ‘Mr Charter-Plackett, I’ve come to plead.’

  ‘Well, you may but it won’t do one bit of good. You’re banned.’

  Jenny held up her hands, palm forwards and admitted they were banned, but could the ban be rescinded for good behaviour?

  Jimbo looked at her face. She was smiling so beautifully his masculine heart almost agreed they could, but then he remembered the ham and the cheese and said, ‘No.’

  ‘Not even a teeny-weeny bit of leeway?’

  ‘Not even a teeny-weeny bit.’

  Jenny smiled again and Jimbo almost gave in. ‘It’s not you I take objection to, it’s that husband of yours. Neither the ham nor the cheese had been purchased here. He knew it – on reflection I knew it, too – but still he persisted.’

  ‘I know. He’s having a bad time at work and—’

  ‘He’s a fraudster.’

  ‘No, not a fraudster, more a little cheat.’ Again that smile. What is she doing married to that man when she has such a sweet personality? thought Jimbo.

  ‘Look. OK. You can shop in here but not, and I repeat not, your husband. Is that all right?’

  ‘Thank you, thank you.’ There was such warmth in her voice that Jimbo was glad he’d changed his mind about her. In her own way she was quite a charmer.

  ‘Fair’s, fair. Listen, it’s my mother’s birthday on Friday. Could I book her a massage, do you think?’

  ‘Why, of course.’ Jenny’s face lit up. ‘Eleven o’clock?’

  ‘Excellent. I don’t expect a discount. I’m paying full whack so give her a good going over. She’ll be thrilled. I hope this misunderstanding won’t affect how we get on with each other.’ He held out his hand. Jenny shook it, gave him that sweet smile of hers again, and disappeared to get her shopping.